Have you got a certificate?


I am now world number one on a Google search for Nigerian whores, beating 4,010 hopefuls for the coveted much-sought-after search-string success.

If I just happened to be running a Nigerian escort agency I'd surely think I'd arrived at the big time and be buying the girls roses. Reminds me of when I was advertising my 'I Ching' services in the local paper. I had a phonecall at 2 in the morning from a horny guy who wanted a girl and he simply would not believe me when I explained that this wasn't in fact an Oriental massage parlour but an ancient Chinese oracle.

'You're having a laugh ain't ya?' he said, 'let me speak to one of the girls. Is Ming there, or Jade?'

Because 'fortune-telling' was deemed fit only for the 'Personal Services' section of the small ads, I can understand how he may have been confused. I wanted to advertise in the 'Therapy' section, but apparently I couldn't:

'Have you got a certificate?' she said, glaring at me, used to scum attempting to get into the 'Therapy' section.

'A certificate in I Ching?'

'A certificate, yeah. You got a certificate have you?'

'Well, I haven't got a certificate, but I am a world authority on the subject. There's no-one qualified enough to give me a certificate. I could give myself a certificate.'

'So you haven't got a certificate then?'

'No, I haven't got a certificate, they don't do certificates in ancient Chinese oracles so far as I'm aware.'

'Had a feng shooey lady in last week. She had a certificate.'

'Well, I don't have a certificate.'

'Have to put you in Personal Services then love, you need a certificate to go in Therapy.'

'Did the feng shooey lady go in Therapy?'

'She had a certificate love. You can go in Therapy if you've got a certificate.'

'A certificate in feng shui? That's ridiculous!'

'I saw it with my own eyes love. She had a certificate see, so she could go in Therapy. If you had a certificate you could go in Therapy.'

'Oh put me in Personal Services with the prostitutes then.'

'No need to get sarky love. If you had a certificate you could go in with the therapists.'

I looked at the ads in last week's paper, lying on the desk.

'You've got a tarot reader here, in Therapy!'

'She must have had a certificate dear.'